So I guess I'm going to start with school (when I went to my counsellor I never thought school bothered me until I went so I'm going to start here) to start with school was a happy place I loved going I had friends that id grown up with there and enjoyed every day, until someone called me skinny, anorexic, skinny bitch that's when it all changed. For a few years I dreaded going to school even if it didn't happen in days or months I was on edge from there. I used to go to school with a smile on my face but away dying inside id go home and cry in my room at night so no one knew I was ashamed, ashamed of the way I looked I hated myself. Why didn't I have bigger legs? Why don't I have boobs? Why can you see my ribs? We're many questions is ask myself. As I got older it stopped from the person, I don't know why but it just did but then doesn't say it didn't scar me and I wasn't on edge everyday because I still was. When I got to year 10/11 I felt a bit happy we'll should I say I thought I was. I found a group of friends who made me feel safer and happier but I was still questions myself in the mirror in the morning. I'm going to try and put my story in less detail now as it's going to end up being 10 pages long!! So time when on at school got through my gcses
And again thought I was happy. I wouldn't wear certain clothes because they'd make me look skinner id wear 3 to 4 pairs of leggings to make my legs look bigger and just went on with my days. Time went on and I left school and went to college, the day I started college I've never been so nervous I knew I was quite a shy person and I was scared I wasn't going to make any friends it took me a while to settle in to college but eventually I made an amazing set if friends. Unlike school I never felt I had to be someone I was not and I truly enjoyed college. I still asked the same questions everyday but college was a little bit easier. When I left college I started a full time job in a nursery this was a big change for me and it must has knocked me over the edge. For a while I was okay but one day, I had a massive panic attack at work. I had no idea what was going on a literally thought I was dying until the paramedics came and explained everything for me. I went on my days as normal trying to convince myself I was okay.. But I wasn't. As Time went on and I kept everything in I was breaking I had panic attacks nearly everyday was scared to go to work. I was even having them when I was asleep I didn't get any sleep and everything terrified me. One day I cracked and just ran home and was screaming and crying help to my dad. My dad didn't know what was going on he was scared for me as much as I was scared for myself. I explained all my feeling to my dad and to my mum when she came home from work. My mum understood as two of out family members had gone through the same thing. She told me to get in touch with my family member and ask them for advice and where to get help from. My family member told me to go to doctors and explain everything fully so they understand and after 3 visits to the doctors I was diagnosed with severe anxiety and depressions and i got transferred to a counsellor. I visit the counsellor for a few months and the first few times I was crying all the way through as things from my past was why I was feeling like this ie school which is why I had to put it at the beginning. The counsellor gave me techniques to help me with my anxiety and depression and that's what I go by today, if I ever feel anxious or down I just go through this techniques. I don't ever hate the people who called me those things and who didn't understand what I was going through, sometimes we don't know what we're doing at a young age and I just hope that those people are happy and don't do those things any more. The things those people said was stopping but I had them in my head and then put myself down everyday I was the one saying them now.
So know I've told my story and I haven't gone into as much detail at the end because I didn't want it to be too long. I want to share my story as I suffered for years but now I want to help others so they don't have to suffer like I did. Anxiety and depressions makes you feel alone a big deep hole underground and no way out but don't worry there's always a way out. If you have any question got want to know anything else please ask I am happy to answer as I know I a haven't going in to every detail and there's probably things I've missed. I want to make this blog a place where people can come for advice or just something to make them feel better.
Don't be alone in your suffering, we're human we help each other even though some times this world doesn't see the good all time. But there's always good somewhere.
If may seem hard but with anxiety we worry about all the bad try changing your thought to positives little by little :)
Thanks for reading
Lauren
